“I want to be known for championing people” is a thought I had tonight.
Then I realized, I don’t champion myself well.
I’ve had the worst self image these past two years than I have my whole life. I’m at my heaviest and I have let that consume my life and allowed my mouth to speak unspeakable things over it. Ugly, nasty things I would never say aloud to another person. I haven’t supported my own dreams or been positive. I haven’t been a fan on the sidelines of my own life.
How can I champion another well when I don’t know how to champion myself? And how can I champion myself when I have been hiding a part of myself in so many different ways and in so many different places?
I am my worst self at work. Like. The worst. (Which is hilarious even saying that, because that is also speaking ill of myself which was part of the point I was just making.) I act as if the God I love doesn’t exist on so many days. Like I haven’t seen people healed and people delivered from demons. Like I haven’t heard Gods voice as He tells me the future in my dreams and in my thoughts. Like I haven’t heard Him in the darkest times when nothing is working out and He hasn’t given me the hope that got me through it when nothing else could. I deny my heart and I become ugly on the inside so often when I am working.
I want to say I am sorry. I want to say it to myself first. I want to love even those ugly parts of me and of my life and of my shame and my embarrassment-which is really just pride in costume. I want to be vulnerable and real and be me, even when that feels silly.
I want to be known for championing others well, and I want to champion myself by being all of me.